you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
