my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
