I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
did i walk over a car last night?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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