I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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