You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
