i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
