and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
