If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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