My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
