the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
