just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
