I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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