i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
sex in a hospital.. check
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
