I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
