dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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