I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Randomize
