Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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