My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
