He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
