just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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