Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
