I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
