Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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