TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
