Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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