She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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