moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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