Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
