worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
