Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
