New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
