im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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