i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
