Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
