yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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