Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
