Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
