I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
