You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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