Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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