I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
