Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
