Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
