I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
