we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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