i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
false alarm. still invincible.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's always time for handjobs
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
