Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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