I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
