I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
