glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
