I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
