Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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