I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
