I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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